What type of vouchers would he use? Something for a glass eye?

You do it yourself, with your bank balance and amount on your credit card. If you’re in your cigarette-stained trackie bottoms and string vest, you profile yourself and are pretty certain that you can’t get the venison from Waitrose. It’s best off to Asda to get some Spam and discounted Brie for dinner (with the obligatory weak larger from a non-descript European country).

So, the same can be said of people who use discount vouchers online. Do people with dial-up modems and BBC computers search for vouchers that are frankly, rubbish and do the rich, with their high broadband speeds and unlimited broadband downloads take longer and buy such things as Narwhale tongues and Apple Touch’s on their weekly shops?

Here we check out some popular and unpopular sites to profile which voucher users are suited to which site.

Amazon.co.uk

The daddy of them all. Amazon. Is the king of cheap so you’d expect that the people buying it and using voucher codes would be the cheapest of the cheap, wouldn’t you?

Nope - not that type of Amazon!

But hang on a moment – these people have credit cards and a permanent address! They also are web savvy enough to know that Amazon is a proper site, and not just a forest west of Sherwood. What are these people like? Normal people, with middle incomes, who are not afraid of buying stuff from a company whose main office is in Slough.

ASDA

Where I used to work, my local ASDA was called ASBOs. That’s all you need to know really, isn’t it?  ASDA is the sort of shopping place where you can go if you’ve just got your social cheque and you don’t want to catch scurvy.

Pasta sauce or gunshot wound? You decide...

If you get your coupons and go to Asda, you’re, I’m afraid to say, a Chav. When you’re next there, hoping for a discount on the Malibu, count the number of Staffordshire Terrier dogs named Rocky or Vin chained up outside. If there’s more than zero – we’re right.

Waitrose

Waitrose. It has a different type of shopper, doesn’t it? Firstly you can look at the car park. No longer do the cars have bodykits or rust holes larger than a six pack of foie gras.   It’s all Range Rovers and yummy mummies with Milo and Chloe getting organic mushrooms for the baby and then spending a lot of time hanging round the booze isle getting ‘mummy’s medicine’

Wine! Lots of wine at inflated prices!!!

If you get the vouchers for Waitrose, you’re probably the sort of person the believes you can push infront of anyone in a queue, are a bad driver when reversing your husband’s car and think a bottle of wine a night is ok, as it’s good wine.

Poundland

How much is this then? And that – what’s the cost of that over there? If your answer to every question is £1 you know where you are. If it’s a dodgy import or just plainly broken or rubbish, they’ve got it. You can’t even really park at Poundland, they go on the basis that the regular clients are people who will never reach the heights of owners of a car, let alone a car with central locking or electric windows. They’re normally in the dodgy ends of town in places where you see a closed Woolworths a café and a betting shop.

The more pleasant shoppers at Poundland

But what are the people like who get their stuff from Poundland? Well, they fall into two distinct categories: The Waitroesers who are too tight and the families that were kicked out of ASDA for having too little money. One are too tight to spend more than a pound on double A batteries for their Wii controllers, the others need to get all of their families Christmas presents (normally a family of 30 or so for under a fiver)

Harrods

Now we’re talking. A place where there is a shrine to Diana, and a Welsh lady will open the Sales in December. Harrods is an oddity, it’s a place that doesn’t allow people with ripped jeans in (although that’s frightfully popular now, I understand) but allows such people as Americans in with **shudder** shell suits and Nikon cameras. Apparently you can buy just about anything at Harrods, so you can get discount codes on such things as giraffes necks and snail’s second homes.

This is what any normal person does at Harrods

So the people who shop there and get their vouchers are posh, right? Wrong! The only people who openly shop at Harrods are WAGS and Lottery winners, in the class war, they’re behind ASDA as they don’t know where they should be shopping. Disgraceful!